How to talk with your parents about “later”: start with one easy question

When you're caring for your parents and your kids at the same time, there's often one thing on your mind: you'd like to know what your parents want later on, but you're afraid that bringing it up will sound morbid. Here are good moments to start, words you can use as-is, and what to do when the conversation stalls.

Why talk now

These conversations go better when everyone is healthy and calm. If you wait until someone is in the hospital, the family is often left guessing: Would Dad want to be resuscitated? Where does Mom keep her bank paperwork?

Talking about this isn't planning a funeral. It's so the family can be there for them the way they'd want, when the time comes.

Find a natural moment

When a news story, a TV show, or something happening to a friend comes up: “If that were you, what would you want?”
When you're sorting out your own insurance or writing to your kids: “I've been thinking about what my kids would need to know if something happened to me. I wanted to ask you too.”
On a walk or a drive after a holiday, a birthday, or a family get-together.
On the way home from a doctor's visit, when things are stable.

Openers you can use as-is

“I just wrote a letter to the kids. Is there anything you'd like to say to your grandkids?”
“If you were ever in the hospital, who should we call first?”
“Where do you keep your bank and insurance papers? I just want to know where they are. I don't need to see them.”
“Is there anything you'd really want us to do your way?”

One topic at a time

Topic	What you could ask
Medical care	How they feel about CPR, a ventilator, or hospice care; who they'd want making medical decisions
Papers and property	Where they keep bank records, insurance policies, and deeds; any loans, or loans they've co-signed
Contacts	Friends and family to notify; their insurance agent, lawyer, or accountant
Funeral	Religious or ceremonial preferences; something simple or a big gathering
Words to leave	What they'd like to say, and to whom; anyone they'd like to see or anything they'd like to do

When you get stuck

If your parent says “I don't want to talk about this,” stop and try another day. You might add, “I just don't want us to get it wrong and do something you wouldn't like.”
If siblings disagree, write down exactly what your parents said. Don't argue over who's right in the moment.
Don't push for a conclusion, and don't ask your parents to sign anything on the spot.
Afterward, write up the main points. Next time you see them, ask your parents to read it over and make changes.

After the talk

Medical wishes can be put into an advance directive, such as a living will and a health care proxy. How property is divided needs a separate will. What these formal documents do is covered in Letters, wills, and advance directives.

FAQ

What if my parents really don't want to talk about it?

Don't try to cover everything at once. Start with the least sensitive question, like who to call in an emergency, or ask them about when they were young. People who enjoy talking about the past are often more willing to talk about the future.

Should all the siblings be there?

The first time, one or two people is fine and feels more relaxed. Once there's a rough plan, get everyone together to confirm it, so no one later says, “I never knew.”

My parents aren't comfortable with phones. Can I write it for them?

Yes. They can talk and you can help. It's best to use their own phone and account, so the letter and the voice are theirs. You're just tapping the buttons.